I'm sitting at work and my head is swirling around my Dad's death about a year and 5 months ago. After his second funeral I completely shut down. I think it was during his second funeral that I shut down. I remember seeing a blur of faces walking around just numb and I'm sure I mumbled somethings to a few people who said their condolences but I don't remember any of it. I do remember seeing my Dad's best friend clear as day standing in the open and he looked dead at me and it was like a path had cleared and I could run straight to him but he turned and walked right out not saying a word to me or anyone else. Chris is like an uncle to me so that hurt. Well, anyways I had managed to shut down the pain and sort of ignore my Dad's death. I just seemed to walk around like a zombie. Just saying yes to things and having conversations but not remembering them. Watching television but not really seeing what I was watching. I refrained from watching any sad movies or shows that revolved around the Dad or Mom dying. It just caused the pain to come back. Well, after about a year of that I finally came back to life in January when I went on my first date with my amazing boyfriend Jason. I felt so alive and alert for the first time on that date. Mind you I did zone in and out of some of our conversations because my body was trying to fight any happiness or actual life experiences because it wasn't use to it. I feel bad because I wasn't a hundred percent there. But, it was the best first date for me. Granted I haven't had many but I felt 100% comfortable around Jason and can honestly say that I had strong feelings for him from the start. He has the greatest personality and is the sweetest funniest funnest guy I have ever met. However, I was hesitant to date him because I didn't want to get hurt and didn't want to be ridiculed by my family because they were already making jokes about him and they hadn't even met him. I thought Jason was very handsome and still do but my family has a different version of handsome then me and their teasing and joking can push someone's patience to the limits. I asked my mom what she thought and told her that I really liked him. She finally said go for it and I did. We have now been together for almost six months. I love him and am so glad I gave him a chance. We have a lot in common. Jason lost his Dad when he was 13 to a car accident. I won't give full details because it isn't my place to do so.Jason has had time to heal and deal with his Dad's death and is mentally in a better understanding and acceptance of it then I am. But then again he has had about sixteen years to deal with. I lost my Dad to a massive heart attack and it has only been a year since he died and I have not dealt with it at all. Well, me and Jason have been talking about it because I am harboring guilt about my Dad's death. You see my died on Christmas morning and I left a week before Christmas because I needed a break from the house full of six or seven other kids. I was losing my patience and sanity. Well, two or three days before Christmas my Dad wanted me to fly back and spend it with him and his family. It was my mother's Christmas this year. But, I am terrified of flying and usually my Dad presses issues like this and gets me to concede to his wishes. But, he didn't push this time and my mom thinks it was because he knew something was wrong. I disagree. Anyways, well, I am harboring guilt because I wonder if I had flown back then maybe I could have saved him. I was registered in CPR. I am sure that my family that was there did everything in there power to save him. But, I just can't help feeling guilty. My doctor said that there is only a chance you will save 1 person by using CPR and that is out of a hundred. So, this kind of helped. But, talking to her and Jason about my Dad has brought the pain back and it seems to have doubled. My doctor wants me to see a berievement counselor about the guilt I am harboring because it is starting to affect my sleep. I have been having nightmares about my Dad's death. In the dreams I am either the only one trying to save him or I am about to save him and then I wake up before I can or they refuse to let me try to help him. I don't want to see a counselor and I understand that it was God's choice to take him because God needed or wanted him in heaven or it was simply his time. I used to be at peace with all this and I am looking for that peace again so I can start living my life again. I know my Dad doesn't want me to be like this it would kill him to see his progress of getting me to be outgoing go down in flames. I love my life and my family and I just want the peace and comfort that I once had. I want this pain to recede.
I used to think that God had a reason for everything and I am sure he does but I just don't know them. I used to think that maybe God took him because he needed him in heaven or that we depended on him just a little to strongly and that God wanted us to depend on him more. That brought me a little comfort. I know I'll see my Dad one day in heaven so that brings me comfort. But, I want the enfolding peace that I once had. Anybody have any advice besides drugs, and suicide.